The Beginning

This is the chronicle of my journey to drug-free living.  I have not gone through re-hab.  I haven't been on 'Intervention'.  I don't sneak around doing meth.  The drugs that I am trying to get off are those being pushed on me by my doctor. 

For fifteen years I have been on anti-depressants.  It started simple.

"Here, take this Paxil.  It'll make you feel gooood." 

Gradually they stepped me up to harder and harder drugs.  Cymbalta.  Wellbutrin.  They decided I was anxious and not sleeping enough so they added Xanax to the mix. 

I kept getting more and more depressed.  After all, I was sick.  I now needed counseling once a week.  The depression kept returning so they kept changing medication.  Every time they did, I would get suicidal. That fed their need to push more drugs.   

After years of this, they decided I was bi-polar II which meant I needed mood stabilizers.  The combination of mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, and anti anxiety meds begin to cause side effects.  Blood work started coming back showing kidney stress.  We had to change medication again to relieve stress on my kidneys.  Again, the medicine changes made me suicidal. 

During this time, I had very expensive medical insurance that barely covered most of this.  As a result, I have accrued over $100,000.00 in credit card debt that has mostly gone toward drugs during the last ten years.  In fact, I spend so much money at the pharmacy, that I get a Christmas card from them every year and they are a large, national store. 

I've tried for several years to get my doctor to help me lighten up on the medication.  I wanted to at least get off the Xanax.  He refused to even talk about it.  No more.  

This is my line in the sand.  I have reached my limit.  I can no longer afford to pay for this medicine.  I don't care if going off it pushes me over the limit because I don't want to continue living like this.  I going off the medicine with or without my doctor's help.  In fact, I have already started.

I was taking two 100mg tablets of topiramate.  Two weeks ago I started breaking them in half.  I know this is okay because when I started taking them, I broke them in half to ease onto them.  So, I took 150mg for 2 weeks.  This week I am down to taking one 100mg tablet.  So far so good.  I did get a headache and light-headed week two but I was okay by the end of the week. 

I am supposed to go to the doctor on Friday, June 24.  This will probably end in a fight.  I hope he works with me but if he won't, then I will take my file and go to my PCP and get her to help me.  I am coming off these drugs.  Even if I end up depressed, at least I will know that it is me and not some creature manufactured by the drug companies. 

Even the act of writing this is more me than I have been in five years.  I used to read and write every day.  In the last five years, the medicine has taken over.  I no longer read.  I haven't even journaled in years, much less written a book.  I hope documenting this will help me get back to who I used to be.  At least I feel like I am taking control back from the pharmaceutical companies.  We'll see what happens. 

Stay tuned.