Freedom?

I have gotten off topiramate and alprazolam.  The main changes involve eating and pain.  Both have increased.  When I started the topiramate, I quit eating.  It changed my brain, my thinking, so that I no longer used food to relieve stress, to relax, for anything other than nourishment.  For the first time in my life, I realized the relationship that skinny people have with food.  Food was a necessity, not a drug.  I ate healthier because I was uninterested in food except as a means to keep me alive.  When the last of the topiramate left my system, my brain seemed to rebound.  I became obsessed with food.  I could no longer tell whether or not I was hungry.  It was strange.  I wanted to eat all the time, especially carbs.  Things have gotten a little better.  I can at least tell when I am hungry and I am less obsessed with sweets, but food is a struggle.  I want something to munch on all the time.  

When it was time to stop the alprazolam, I was scared.  That is addictive.  I was worried about physical side effects.  I expected to have a hard time getting to sleep at night.  I was surprised.  It hasn't been that hard.  My sleeping pattern hasn't changed much.  I used to be asleep within 30 minutes of taking my medication at night.  Now I fall asleep later and wake up earlier but not significantly.  Not like I expected. 

One side effect from all of this (besides weight gain from eating) has been pain.  My pain levels have increased.  My back has been tighter, more painful, threatening to spasm, for weeks.  Exercise doesn't seem to help.  In fact, tension throughout my body has increased.  All of my muscles are tight no matter how much stretching I do.  I am gritting and grinding my teeth all of the time.  Even my lungs feel tight.  I have been wheezing with asthma for a couple of weeks.  Is that the weather, allergies, or going off the medication?  Who knows. 

The big question for me is whether or not I am making my husband miserable.  I don't know.  Other people say I seem more alive.  I asked him if I was more hostile.  He wouldn't answer.  That tells me that I probably am.  If he thinks I won't like the answer, he avoids the question.  You know. 

"Do I look fat in this?"

"This chicken is delicious."

Avoidance.  Change of subject. 

Anyway, I am off the worst of the medication.  The big question now is, do I quit the anti-depressant?  I haven't decided yet.  I have until next week to make up my mind.  I am thinking I will give it a try.  If anyone is reading this, let me know what you think.  Should I get off Pristiq?  Thanks.